In the previous article the focus was on how other people treat us. We saw that while we can’t control, we can influence their behavior towards us. In addition, if we leverage our abilities to choose our focus and self-talk, we can minimize the undesirable impact of toxic people.
Now we are going to revisit the same concepts of Nurturing and Toxic behavior but we are going to examine the consequences of how we treat ourselves.
The Good News
Hey, this is us acting on us. Since we choose what we focus on, and we choose what we say to ourselves, and we choose our level of self-care, we are potentially in a position to determine outcomes.
The challenges (potentially not such good news): How we treat ourselves:
- May not be visible – Marshall McCluhan once remarked, “I don’t know who discovered water but I’m convinced it wasn’t fish.” Our inner life is a familiar, constant environment, whose patterns and impact we may not notice. If we have an unhelpful or destructive set of external behaviors, we might notice and certainly our co-workers, friends, or family who care about us will point it out. What about an internal pattern? There is no guarantee we will become fully aware of it.
- So Fast – Your brain processes words and thoughts 3-4 times faster (480-600 words per minute) than even the guys in my old neighborhood in Brooklyn could talk. Attention, thoughts, reactions occur so quickly if often feels like outside events and people are “triggering” or causing our emotions. “He pissed me off”, “She ruined my day”, “They make me sick”. This speed often creates the illusion we are not in control (potentially) of our emotions and reactions.
- Constant vs. Intermittent – Even if you have and continue to allow toxic people in your life, except in rare circumstances, you interact with them from time to time. How about your interactions with yourself? Constant. So if, unfortunately, you are doing toxic things to yourself it’s possible to do it regularly and often.
So I want to pose a question. What is the greater risk or possible enhancement to our health, happiness, and effectiveness, how others treat us or how we treat ourselves? I’m not seeking a specific answer (and astute readers already see the connection between the two). I do want the question to motivate (or scare) you enough to increase your self-nurturing actions and minimize the ways you are being toxic to yourself.
Nurturing Yourself
Fortunately for all of us, in the past 10 years neuroscientists have learned to ever more precisely map the contours and connections in the brain. This has allowed researchers in a variety of fields, e.g. health, happiness, peak performance leadership, to determine what activities benefit us the most.
What is even more encouraging is that there has been a happy convergence of their findings. Many of the same practices that make us happier and healthier also help us perform at peak levels and bolster our effectiveness as leaders.
These are some of the practices we are going to discuss.
As in the previous article, I want to issue a caveat before I reveal my list of self-nurturing behaviors. My list will be different in some way from your list. For example, practicing gratitude or praying regularly are both nurturing activities. I happen to prefer gratitude because of my experience with it when I was 20 years old. This is a preference, and if prayer is comforting and uplifting for you, that’s on your list. So of course, check out a comparable list from Deepak Chopra or Dr. Oz. I just want to stimulate your thinking about how you treat yourself and more importantly how you can improve your self-care.
1. Gratitude
“Too blessed to be stressed.” According to studies of our brain’s “happiness” center this saying is accurate. Do you remember how you felt when a medical test you were worried about came back benign? Or you survived a near-miss in a car or airplane (or recently when I came out of anesthesia after surgery)? In these moments we are happy to just be alive. So what is everyday reality? Are we “blessed”? Well what are the chances that you are a sentient human being reading this article? The odds are greater than 1/∞ but not much. Look at all the things that had to happen for you to be born a human being, able to experience your senses, emotions, thoughts, and the joy of just being alive.
“I sing the body electric” – Walt Whitman
Matter, the big bang, formation of our galaxy, sun-earth, life emerging from our oceans, 3 billion years of evolution, hundreds of generations of your ancestors surviving, and even the sperm that created you beating out 100 million competitors. So I would say YES, we are incredibly blessed to have this gift of life. In addition, many of us have the additional “gift” of talents, strengths, and values. We have received love and wisdom from many people on our journey.
So how does this perspective nurture us? First, it directly lights up our happiness centers. Second it reduces stress because the disappointments, setbacks, frustrations, and “bad luck” we daily encounter become much milder experiences. Third, it makes it more likely that we will express our gratitude to others.
2. Being Present: Being here now; Being focused; Being absorbed by and in “flow” with our activity.
Let’s examine the benefits of learning how to, and practicing being fully present. One way to highlight the payoffs is to look at the common alternatives; multitasking, being interrupted or distracted, ruminating about the past, creating fears about future events. Many good things accompany being focused and present.
- Relaxed alertness – our minds are calm and clear.
- Our senses are vibrating – taste, touch, sounds, sights are more vivid.
- We are more effective – we listen better, learn more, tap into our creativity, perform tasks better.
There are many ways to improve our ability to be fully present; practices of mindfulness, slow-focused breathing, concentration and “flow”, all will strengthen this ability. The good news is this is not like trying to improve at golf or skiing, where you don’t have many opportunities to practice. We can practice and improve this skill throughout the day.
3. Self-Acceptance
In the 1950’s Dr. Albert Ellis developed the technique of “Calm Self Critique (CSC)”. If you limited me to only one skill I could pass along to my children and grandchildren it would be Ellis’ wisdom. Why? Because I know that by rigorously practicing CSC they have the best chance of both happiness and reaching their potential.
Here are the key elements:
- Self-Acceptance
“I’m a fallible human being. I have blind spots, knowledge gaps and I make mistakes. I also have the ability to learn and improve. I can study people who are better than me; I can seek feedback and coaching; I can regularly practice new skills.”
- Accountability
“Because I expect to make mistakes, I admit when I’m wrong. I take responsibility for my actions and I welcome feedback from others.”
- Focus on Learning and Improvement
“I spend ZERO time berating myself, or calling myself names. I put all my effort into calmly reviewing my performance and behavior and then concentrating on increasing my knowledge and skill.”
4. My Health is a Priority
If someone followed you around for a week would they come away thinking that you prioritize your health? Would they see you getting adequate nutrition, sleep, movement and recovery time? Would they see you avoiding activities that put your health at risk? Making your health a priority, elevating self-care can create a clarity and simplicity in your life.
Doing this for yourself is a form of “healthy selfishness.” This term relates to activities that are good for you and also allow you to be there for others. Can we be the leader, romantic partner, parent or friend we want to be if we are burnt out or our immune system is worn down? Think of prioritizing your health as a gift to the people around you who love and care about you. Many of you reading this can relate by remembering what it is like to love someone who is not practicing self-care.
5. Finding Your Calling
“The two most important days in your life are the day you were born and the day you find out why you were born.” – Mark Twain
“If you are not for yourself, who will be? If you are only for yourself, what are you?” – The Talmud
“I’ve done my share.” – Albert Einstein, just before he died
People who have purpose and meaning in their lives have a 17% lower mortality risk. What is your “Calling Sweet Spot”? The convergence of what you are deeply interested in, what you are good at and enjoy, and what helps other people or the planet? There are so many ways to do good in the world. The research is clear that helping others is the source of longer lasting happiness. Finding your “gifts”; focusing on your strengths and how they can benefit individuals or society is a nurturing activity.
Notes on Nurturing Yourself
- Are there any of these 5 activities that you want to do more of? How are you going to insert them into your daily routines?
- Do you have other nurturing or self-care practices that you want to do more consistently?
There are dozens of self-nurturing practices. The Greater Good Science Center, housed at UC Berkeley, is primarily focused on studying and developing these techniques. One of their thought leaders, Rick Hanson, wrote, “Hard Wiring Happiness” which teaches you how to rewire your brain to raise your daily happiness set point.
Toxic to Yourself
1. Calling Yourself Names
Years ago, I used to give talks at middle schools about self-talk and happiness. One day I asked the students to write down any names they called themselves. Reading their lists broke my heart; “ugly”, “fat”, “stupid”, “loser”, and some curse words I can’t write here.
When we call ourselves names, it not only cuts deep, it feels permanent, fixed, with nothing you can do about it. The first time you feel worth less; repeat it often enough and you feel worthless. If you feel you don’t have value you may act in line with your low self-esteem. During the period in my life when I felt this way I came close to dying several times (driving drunk, passing out on the streets of rough neighborhoods, etc.).
So I’m going to ask you to take a vow to never call yourself hurtful names. They are not accurate and nothing good comes from it. I invite you to either accept yourself, with your wonderful gifts and talents, and/or use Calm Self Critique to grow and improve.
2. Comparisons, Comparisons, Comparisons
If you are going to compare yourself to someone who exceeds you, and use it for learning, motivation or to “raise the bar”, that’s great. If you have spiritually evolved to a level where you can actually be happy for someone who is smarter, more attractive and more successful than you, then you have true “wealth”. But what I want to focus on in this section is what we do to ourselves when we routinely and repeatedly compare ourselves to others. I think we can all admit this activity has dramatically accelerated in our lives, through social media, entertainment and advertising. Many researchers are sounding the alarm about the potential impact to our mental health, particularly in teenagers. The unfavorable comparisons are made worse because we are often comparing ourselves to a depiction that is grandiose, invented, photoshopped, etc.
I’ve been fortunate in my career to coach some of the world’s top executives, entertainers, and athletes. Yes, in many cases they are smarter, richer, stronger, and more attractive. But I found them, in general, to be no happier than the Italian and Eastern European immigrants I grew up with in the 40’s, 50’s in Brooklyn or the minimalist monks I trained with in the 60’s in Japan. So please set some personal boundaries to limit the time you devote to this activity. Use some of the self-nurturing activities to see, accept and love yourself.
3. Perfectionism
Yes, I want Dr. Christopher Chen, who successfully replaced my left hip on November 15, 2021, to be a perfectionist about his craft. It can be valuable for yourself and others to strive for perfection in some endeavors. When does it become detrimental? Let’s look at the saying that many people heard when they were young.
“If something is worth doing, it’s worth doing right”
This sounds like good advice but it contains a trap. Let’s say that a reasonable division of activities in our lives could place them in 3 “buckets”: nice to do/need to do/need to do well. A perfectionist only has one “bucket”, need to do well. What can this approach cost you (and those around you)?
- Not the best use of your time – putting the extra time and effort to do something perfectly that is really a “nice to do” or a “need to do” is not a smart way to spend your time. I could do this because I am mostly retired but many of you have packed lives and don’t have this luxury.
- You are mostly focused on the negatives, on what is not right. This makes it very hard to celebrate, feel grateful, or as Rick Hanson recommends, internalize the good.
- Impact on others – people around you start feeling, “I can never get it right”. I can’t make him (or her) happy.”
So if you tend towards perfectionism please apply that approach to a select few areas of your life. And add another essential phrase to your vocabulary: “Good Enough.”
4. Being “Stuck” With Negative Emotions.
We are all going to experience anxiety, and anger, on a daily or more likely weekly basis. These emotions can be very useful if we recognize them as signals. Fear can alert us to risks and prompt us to take proper precautions. Anger can make us realize we are not being treated in a fair or respectful way, and motivate us to push for change. The toxic aspect of these emotions starts when we get “stuck”.
Mark Twain once remarked, “My life has been a series of horrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.” He is pointing out that unfortunately we have the ability to “catastrophize”, to visualize terrible things happening to us; and to do it often. This kind of steady worry will drain and even at times immobilize us. Staying angry has sometimes been described as taking poison and hoping the other guy dies. At some point who are you really punishing by staying angry? You are taking it out on your heart, blood pressure, and immune system. So many researchers recommend techniques for going from “worrying to planning” and “stewing to doing”. All of these (including my recommendations in “Executive Stamina” (John Wiley) are designed to help you get “unstuck”.
So what are reasonable goals with regard to these emotions? We can’t expect to never experience them but a good way to measure progress is to think of frequency, intensity, and duration.
Improvement
- Frequency – if I get anxious twice this week instead of everyday.
- Intensity – if I get mildly upset versus having a meltdown.
- Duration – if I stayed angry for 20 minutes instead of stewing all night.
So a good motto for managing these emotions (and many other things) is, “Improvement, not perfection”.
5. Putting Precious Priorities at Risk
The four previous toxic categories involve acts of commission. This last toxic activity is really an error of omission. Let’s say among your list of life’s priorities you included your health, maintaining your close relationships with people you love, and preserving your reputation and values. These are not unreasonable items to make many of our lists. But now someone actually follows you throughout your days and weeks and they notice a disconnect.
“The Video Doesn’t Match the Audio”
In other words, you are saying something is important, even precious to you, but your behavior, how you allocate your time, doesn’t square with what you say are your priorities. If this were the case you would have drifted into a toxic pattern of taking your health, relationships, and reputation for granted. And because you are assuming they will all continue on a nice, steady glide path you don’t do the MINIMUM actions to preserve them. It doesn’t mean poor health, estrangement or damage to your image will definitely occur. It does mean you are putting these priorities at risk. Almost no one intentionally puts these precious things in jeopardy but as Dostoevsky warned 150 years ago we can drift into patterns without awareness.
“If a man lost his soul overnight at least he would notice and he would desperately try to regain it. But men lose their souls so gradually that by the time they recognize its loss, it is too late”. – Fyodor Dostoevsky
So ask yourself, does your video match your audio for what you say is most precious to you? If not, I recommend adopting the MINIMUMS system found in “Executive Stamina” (or contact me and I will explain it)
Notes on Being Toxic to Yourself
- Do you notice yourself doing any of these 5 toxic activities? If so, how are you going to eliminate them or do them less often?
- Is there someone close to you who engages in these behaviors?
- Are there other toxic actions, beyond these 5, that you want to diminish?
Final Thoughts
I wrote two articles separately but they are closely connected. If you surround yourself with nurturing people you will be more nurturing to yourself. If you start being nurturing to yourself you will attract nurturing people into your life. This is referred to as a “Virtuous Cycle”. Unfortunately, the same patterns an create a “Vicious Cycle. Treating ourselves in a toxic way unfortunately can leave us more receptive to, and more tolerant of others doing the same.
So I’ve tried to raise your awareness, help you see consequences and motivate you to leverage new words and skills.
Good luck on your journey, pass along any ideas that will help others, and please let me know what you learn.
Marty Seldman 