During the past 15 years, advances in neuroscience have allowed researchers to detail the impact that a range of behaviors has on our brain and nervous system.
In particular scientists who focus on happiness and longevity (including Dr. Mark Hyman, “Young Forever”, Dr. Rick Hanson, “Hardwiring Happiness”) identify many simple activities that reduce our stress, and improve our well-being. These include slow, focused breathing, gratitude, exercise, self-compassion, being in nature, strong connections, mindfulness (being in the present), and certain supplements and foods.
One of the practices that has the strongest correlation with happiness is self-compassion/self-acceptance. Dr. Kristi Neff has studied the positive consequences of self-compassion for over 20 years (“Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself.” Go to www.self-compassion.org to take a self-compassion assessment).
Her results are fascinating, because while many people are concerned that self-acceptance could lead to complacency, her research team found the opposite. Individuals who practiced these techniques actually improved in goal setting, were motivated to change and became more ambitious.
Dr. Albert Ellis
Somehow over 70 years ago, Albert Ellis, Ph.D., without benefit of neuroscience, discovered this practical wisdom. Psychology Today once stated, “No individual, not even Freud himself, had a greater impact on modern psychotherapy.
In my experience, Ellis’ most powerful technique, “Calm Self-Critique” captures the benefits of both learning to calm ourselves and to accept ourselves. We are all shaped uniquely by our experiences. For me, two events stand out in relation to this technique, and the way I teach it in my coaching and seminars.
- Starting when I was 20 years old I underwent Zen Buddhist training at a monastery in Kyoto, Japan.
- In the late 1970’s I was fortunate to study with Dr. Maxie Maultsby, who was a pioneer in developing techniques to alleviate the suffering of people who were extremely self-critical or harsh towards themselves.
Calm Self-Critique (CSC)
If for some reason I was only able to pass along one thing to the people I cared about it would be this set of techniques. Why? Because CSC will optimize their happiness and willingness to attempt new challenges, and put them on a path to lifelong learning.
Calm
When we are upset, most of us know on some level, that we should “de-escalate” (calm down) before we impulsively communicate or take action. How much more valuable is this guidance when we are upset with ourselves because we made a mistake, failed at an endeavor, or didn’t live up to our values? The rest of the CSC techniques will help you even if you deploy them while you are upset, but they work better if you are relatively calm.
Over thousands of years the most effective ways developed to quickly reduce upset involve some form of slow, controlled, focused breathing. Scanning the internet you can learn about a variety of approaches (yoga breathing, Navy Seals breathing, etc.). The method I practice is the one I learned in the monastery, “The Frozen Rope.” (This is described in two of my books, “Executive Stamina”, and “A Woman’s Guide to Power, Presence and Protection”). I suggest you find one that works best for you and develop the skill of calming yourself. In addition to supporting CSC, regular practice of these tranquility exercises has been shown to:
- Keep your neocortex thick, maintaining your memory and capacity for clear thinking and problem-solving.
- Give your brain and nervous system a chance to recover from stress.
- Improve your ability to concentrate and focus on the task at hand.
Self-Acceptance
“I accept that I am a fallible human being. I make mistakes, I have ‘blind spots’ about my impact, I don’t always measure up to my own standards. These events don’t surprise me and I keep my focus on “progress not perfection.”
Self-Confidence
“My ‘trend is not my destiny.’ I know I can learn and improve. Sometimes I need candid, specific feedback, or the guidance of a coach or mentor, or the opportunity to study an exemplar. I devote my time, energy and focus to learning and making positive changes.”
Self-Accountability
“Because I accept myself and I’m confident I can learn it’s easier for me to admit mistakes, and take responsibility for the impact of my actions (or what I neglected to do). When appropriate I make repairs or amends, and commit to a visible plan to change.”
Self-Care
“I refuse to call myself names or beat myself up or become a harsh critic. When I make mistakes, or fall short of my goals or standards, I calmly and quickly focus on:
- What can I learn (self-evaluation and/or feedback from others)?
- How can I improve?
- What can I salvage or repair?
- How can I prevent this in the future?”
Summary/Suggestions
- Of course the expression, “easier said than done” applies anytime we attempt to change habits. Maybe even more so when it comes to mental habits. As humans we do have the power to choose what we focus on and what we say to ourselves. Every aspect of CSC is a mental habit that we can practice and strengthen.
- If there was only one thing you were willing to change, please eliminate or reduce calling yourself names. It doesn’t only impact you. In one of my seminars, a mother shared how she routinely called herself, “Stupid idiot.” One day her 14-year-old daughter started crying and said, “Mom, please stop. I look up to you, you are my role model. If you are “an idiot” then what does that make me?”
- CSC leads to taking on new challenges and persistence despite repeated setbacks. Luckily a one-year-old doesn’t talk to him or herself the way some of us do, otherwise they might give up on walking.
– “I fell down 20 times today. I’m such a klutz”.
– “My 1-year birthday party is next week. What if I fall down in front of all my family and friends?”
– “My cousin Allison is only 11 months old and she is walking already. What’s wrong with me”?
4. Healing – For me, at significant times in my life when bad judgement caused me considerable pain, I have taken an extra step beyond CSC. As Tom Hopkins once remarked, “You paid for it already, so you might as well take away the lessons.” I have found that evaluating my experience and sharing the learning with others helps me heal and at times feel grateful for the “lessons”.
5. Practicing CSC will often help someone become a better friend, colleague, or romantic partner. One of the greatest predictors of a strong, enduring relationship is the ability of two people to work through conflicts, and disappointments. When someone is willing to admit they were wrong, or doesn’t get defensive when receiving feedback, it’s easier to trust that the person will improve going forward.
Marty Seldman 
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